Milton Keynes down Horsham

Milton Keynes, a town famous for many things: Roundabouts, Ian Poulter, The Grand Union Canal, Dele Alli and Bletchley Park. But a little known gem has been delicately sitting like a diamond in the rough has been likened to as a modern day fortress, a breeding ground for some of the finest hockey coaches in the country more commonly known as Woughton-on-the-Green. Its current residents – Milton Keynes Hockey Club – riding the rollercoaster that is the South League is not a team that will just roll over and let a team walk over them…especially at home.

So, after what can only be described as a comedy of errors at Old Cranleighans the week before (Note: Tom’s Yaya Mobile is once again the most reliable car on the road!), the Men’s 1st XI had redemption in their hearts.

The day started in what can only be describe as a season first from three individuals: Stephen, Ben and Ian, for they were not only early to the meet time, but they had a full set of kit and 2 weeks’ worth of match fee paid in full…all before the late alarm! All player travelling from a far were punctual, prompt. Nick Anderson on the other hand, one of the closest players to the pitch was neither! “You should see the traffic!” he declared, not fooling anyone. Mix in the post match discovery that 2 players (Ali McColl and Andy Pettefer) were feeling less than themselves in the morning and it was a normal team meet!

After a mid-season vacation and a string of guest coaches at training, the team welcomed our immigrant coach, Luke Stone, back into the fold. Hoping to offer words of wisdom, a tale or two from his time away or a motivational anecdote to inspire the team, Coach Luke left the team astonished when he told us the key to winning a match is “make them run or make them pass…stop being so needy!”. And on that bombshell, onto the pitch we marched! Surely the music would encourage the team further….Christmas Songs isn’t what we had in mind! Perhaps it was a ploy to put the team off, but our resident DJ isn’t that astute to think outside the box.

With the off pitch antics behind us, Milton Keynes were found humming Christmas tunes after the first half whistle was blown. Horsham seized their opportunity and stepped up their press almost instantly. Poor pass after poor pass, turnover after turnover, Milton Keynes needed come back down to earth and focus on the game in hand. Still in second gear, ‘Champagne Hockey’ helped Milton Keynes begin to snap out of their wandering imagination and string passes together. Gaining valuable yards up the pitch, the team finally went ‘shopping’ but this time, just to gaze through the window…Short Corner. Testing the waters, Milton Keynes missed and Horsham lived to see another day. Back & forth the first half went and back & forth the barbs went between players and umpires, but on a rare occasion Milton Keynes were being the more contained team out of the two. Umpires, called over the Captains and were overheard saying “If the teams don’t calm down, we will have to ineffectively blow our whistles loudly for very long periods of time!” we had been dealt our final warning before a sound, worse than vuvuzelas at a football, would be forced upon us.

Half Time –
Snack of choice – Haribo
Team talk – something along the lines of make them run, don’t annoy the umpires, score some goals.

Second half:
With the team talk circling our minds and Andy Pettefer subbing himself off for feeling a little worse for wear, we set out onto the pitch once more. “Stop being needy” echoed the minds of the 10 outfield players, so we did. Passes were becoming to link up to one another, the T Spot was becoming well and truly penetrated, opportunities became more frequent including a drive down the line from Liam Foster, a darting pass across the Horsham goal, alas it was not to be as it exited the D for a Horsham sideline. Doubts began to flicker through everyone’s mind “perhaps it isn’t out day” Nick gage sighed to himself “at least I’ve done my bit and kept a cleansheet” a Cheshire smile beneath his helmet.

But then all doubts were finally eradicated when a finger-gripless Ali McColl, “fell over” and the umpires looked at each other, short corner or penalty flick? One sharp look from Ali provided the umpire with no other choice but to award the penalty flick. The team looked around, Captain Tom Murtagh gazed on thinking about what could have been, holdings back the tears and uttering "I love a good stroke!" Over to Liam Foster who comfortably slotted home to break the threshold.

1-0

Finally, Milton Keynes had found their stride stretching play and playing their own hockey, it was only time before the lead would be doubled. As the minutes ticked by, a previously goal drought stricken Ali McColl decided he would no longer been seen as an equal to Ian Cooper, found his moment of flow dribbled between a couple of players (Ali claims four, Mikey claimed barely one!) looked at the players on the back post but felt a reverse shot would be the true cherry on the top!

2-0

Milton Keynes becoming comfortable with their good work began to forget the words of warning from the Umpires prior to half time and figured keeping a clean sheet is more important. A long barrier from Mikey Gilson agitated umpire number 1 to blow his whistle loudly and intensely much the disdain of umpire number 2 "this is my half he remarked down the microphone" as he too blew his whistle louder and longer! Like two sports cars owners comparing engine sizes, a whistle off had commenced! As the two umpires took their poor equivalent of a rap battle elsewhere, Milton Keynes prepared to keep their clean sheet in tact and in tact they did!

Anger towards personal battles across the pitch eventually spilled over to the players as the umpires decided that the size of their whistles mattered! One umpire blowing one way, another blowing another and the players left in the middle confused and bemused! A loud expletive was declared by Ben Northedge at the situation (for lawsuit purposes: it was definitely not at anyone in general) a DoD worthy remark in the eyes of the rest of the squad.

With two minutes left, the finish line was in sight! All the players needed do is relax and see the match out. Fraser McColl had other intentions. Whilst the yellow card was unclear, Fraser McColl claims it was for flirting...like Donald Trump's locker room talk, some people just can't switch off the charm, the umpire disagreed.