Hawkward Hafternoon

After Milton Keynes had confirmed the spherical nature of the Earth by going beyond the South Pole last week and not falling off the world, they were intrigued to see what their voyage of discovery would reveal to them this week, closer to home, at home.

Preparations for the game had been zealous, excepting for goal scoring sensation Sergio ACoopso, who was subjected to hordes of paparazzi so intrusive that he was unable to leave his house to come to training. One paparazzo was overheard saying "They asked me to cover the Brangelina divorce but all the public want to hear about this week is the daily life of Ruud Van NistelCoops. It's so much more glamorous here in Earls Barton than Los Angeles - EB is the new LA!"

With the gun wielding blade runner's more jovial brother returning to the side, the overseas player quota was in danger of being exceeded, so Coach Stone decided, in a moment of tactical mastery, that he would in fact stay in Oxford while the Hawks players journeyed MKwards. He was gutted to find out that the game against our Neighbours was only at Woughton, not Home And Away.

So it was that 16 noble warriors dressed in claret and showing just enough thigh to attract spectators from across the Atlantic entered the meeting room to hear the wise words of General Murtagh. The message was clear - we needed to be "more cleverer".

At 12.30pm in Milton Keynes there was light drizzle, the turf was good, good to slippery in patches. Conditions were perfect for new shoes.

They (science people) say that conditions of great pressure produce diamonds, however MK were only subjected to gentle pressure in the opening exchanges, so no diamonds were forthcoming.

UNTIL the man who had made the local transfer from evil to good, the "Sol Campbell of the Home Counties", Danny Newcombe made a tackle that was delectable. I can honestly say that I would have delected it. The man dressed in green did not delect it. Quite the reverse - Newcombe was penalised for this diamond of a tackle and Oxford Hawks cashed in with a low drag flick from the resulting penalty corner.

The people did not rejoice and they were not glad.

The game continued in a similar vein with no clear cut chances for either side, but a number of fiendish balls into various corridors of uncertainty. Webster, N.Anderson, Pettefer and Northedge were resolute in their defence and kept Hawks at bay during some difficult phases for the home team. When the ball was regained, there were transfers, double transfers and even triple transfers, until Dodd said "Enough of these transfers, will somebody please just get a real tattoo!"

Another diamond produced in this phase of the game was a fine close range reaction save from Alex (6ft5 in thick socks) White, who has a very low centre of gravity for one so tall...

Late in the first half, had Oxford Hawks looked up, they would have seen "the cosh", because that's what they were under, but despite dairy sales executive (milkman) Tom Murtagh's repeated deliveries into the circle, MK were unable to equalise.

Half time 0-1.

After taking moment to appreciate a pop-up art installation in the medium of drinks bottles, MK were ready for action.

The second half started exactly as they had hoped. Mikey Gilson, appearing for Milton Keynes after Southgate had failed to get in touch with Big Sam regarding how to "get around FIH transfer regulations", and Leroy Foster got all up in the Hawks circle and something happened and next thing we knew it was a short corner.

MK, notoriously potent from these set plays, got the ball right up in the POGO and one man was LAZER enough (Fraz was in the mixer paying attention) to put the ball in the goal.

The people did rejoice and they were glad. Apart from Jurgen Coopsmann; he was bitter.

Unfortunately MK conceded a goal almost immediately. The author was unsighted but he was not unsounded and heard some reliable sounding claims that the goal shouldn't have stood, so I think we can accept that as true fact.

Milton Keynes were not put off and set about their task again but the ball just would not go in the goal. It was a real nuisance.

Then MK's breathtakingly handsome Rutland-based screen received the ball and floated it up the line to Ali McColl, who feigned a reverse stick cross, then feigned an open stick cross, then went back onto his reverse stick, then there was some Indian dribbling, suspicions of Pakistani dribbling, Afghan dribbling and, with a piece of skill with a distinctly Nepalese flavour, Ali won a free hit.

With more feigning, this time from the Hawks defender, feigning ignorance of the whistle sounding, the flow of the game was disrupted. Said Hawks defender then questioned the reliability of German-engineered high performance vehicles and claimed he'd seen a far more desirable Swedish estate in the car park and a scuffle ensued. This escalated into a melée, a ruckus and a fracas, but the umpires could not tell in what order, so Nobel Peace Prize nominee Jamie Dodd was dismissed for his blatant proximity to the incident.

Stephen Woolfe was contacted and commented "Dodd had to go; it's one thing kicking off in European Parliament, but in South Prem, when millions of Ian Cooper's global, nay, intergalactic fan base are watching... well, that's another matter!"

Alastair McColl could not be reached for comment, having fled the scene.

With 10 on 10, the pressure continued. Whenever the ball left Hawks' half, it was pumped back up the pitch for Stephen, Frazer and Vince to see what they could create.

Chances were created but, alas, went unconverted.

The game finished 1-2.

Milton Keynes head to the capital next weekend to start accumulating the first of their undoubted upcoming 60 points.