Rush: Of course it's not the same these days, Wrighty. For all those years we thought, across all sports, we would be the two most prolific and venerated goal scoring Ians.
Wright: I know, Rushy mate. It's really getting me down.
Rush: And it's getting worse; we could always rely on the fact that you and me weighed in with the odd assist.
Wright: I know, Rushy mate. Never thought there would be an Ian who contributed more goals and more assists than either of us.
Rush: Nobody even wants to hear our opinions on great goals anymore. My work has basically dried up outside of Movember.
Wright: I curse the day Ian Cooper was allowed to go past the halfway line...

A single tear from Wright's eye drops into the fire and sizzles in the flame.

Milton Keynes were keen to make their first entry in the W column as they gathered in the meeting room on an autumnal day at the venue known as The Home of Hockey. One member of the squad, new father Vincent Pretorious, had been so excited about the game all week that he'd been struggling to get to sleep. Brenda Pretorious is said to be livid that she is being used as a scapegoat for Vincent's disruptive sleep patterns.

Spencer, the opponents, had not dropped any points so far this season, but this was a situation familiar to a Milton Keynes side who have in previous years been to Spencer a banana skin as slippery as Stephen Ruse's freshly waxed chest.

So Coach Luke presented the plan of action to the troops and with a rallying cry of "Come on, come on" they thought he was about to ask them to do the locomotion with him, but he just wanted them to go and warm up.

The speaker having been recently repaired, the crowd were expecting an aural feast.

They were disappointed.

The goalkeeper known on the continent as Alejandro Blanco was looking unbeatable as warm up shots were fired at him and Milton Keynes were harnessing the energy of some slow jams to prepare in a measured, controlled way for what was to be a measured, controlled performance.

And so it was underway. The opening exchanges were unremarkable, but the role of a match report is to remark, so remark we shall. Milton Keynes looked well organised defensively and were passing well. Spencer were passing well and looked well organised defensively.

Danny Newcombe entered the fray and demonstrated good core skills and an exemplary body position, while Ginge showed the light footwork in the middle of the pitch that Sophie Ellis Bextor immortalised in her smash hit "Murtagh on the Dance Floor".

However, Ginge's game is multi-faceted and the skipper then gently lent on a Spencer player with such gentle force that the umpire decided he should take a breather and test the defence's resolve for a couple of minutes.

Pettefer and N.Anderson remained resolute in their defence and UFC fighter Ben Northedge was keeping his fists of fury to himself. Coach Luke was regularly making interceptions then bursting forward, calling "I'm spinning around, move out of my way".

Milton Keynes had threatened down the right hand side whenever they broke forward and this pressure was converted anonymously, off-camera, into a penalty corner.

With Mad Dog Myles Locke attending a surprise 13th birthday party of presumably national importance, Milton Keynes' extra special, double secret, cunning and revolutionary short corner routine (of which details cannot be disclosed publicly without social media settings being adjusted to "friends only") did not look to be an option.

But, as Stephen Ruse often reminds his fiancée when the fridge is empty, "there are many ways to skin a cat", so MK adapted to their personnel and enlisted the services of a man known as Yaya (don't forget his birthday), Tangos and Long Nick.

Data protection laws do not permit me to reveal the precise details of what followed, but there was a "feather light" deflection on a shot that was goal bound at extreme speed and Milton Keynes took the lead.

Half time.

Having had the lion's share of the possession in the second half against Oxford Hawks and struggled to break down a defence that was not keen for the sort of fun goal fest that keeps the fans coming back to Woughton, MK decided a counter attack strategy would be ideal this time round to deliver Coach Luke the win he so craved. "I should be so lucky", he was heard muttering.

So the siege began. Milton Keynes showed the tenacity of yesteryear, the zeal of 2016 and, even with 10 men after Brett gave a Spencer player the People's Elbow, a serious amount of grit.

And what comes from grit? Pearls, that's what.

Milton Keynes proceeded to create a couple of immaculate pearls.

A fast break and some excellent leading from Mikey and Brett brought the ball to the left flank, then an unidentified blonde forward fired the ball across to Frazer McGoal. A dab hand at goal scoring, Fraz used his dabbing hands to direct the ball past the onrushing keeper. Then he dabbed.

2-0.

Minutes later, Vince "if you don't sleep you have to live your dreams" Pretorious broke forward for MK and won a long corner for MK. Jamie, taking responsibility for the situation like the home owner he is, then switched the play to, you guessed it, Ian Cooper, who rocketed in a roguish ball for Mikey Goalson to guide into the corner of the goal.

3-0!

Coach Luke: "Wow."

The siege then resumed. Andrew Pettefer, having extricated himself from the situation to callously stand by as one of MK's subs was brutally attacked by a metal dugout, was growing increasingly nervous that his winner's shower beer may be in jeopardy, but MK simply would not be beaten.

So Milton Keynes marched on to take all 3 points.

Having defeated a familiar foe, Coach Luke was left to muse "guess it's true what they say, better the devil you know"...